Child-parent relationship

The reflection

The child is the mirror of the family; as in a drop of water, the sun reflects, so the children reflect the moral purity of the mother and father.(Vasily Alexandrovich Sukhomlinsky).

Naturally, most parents want their children to grow up happy.

Generally speaking, the parent usually use two main strategies of their parenting: the first one; will be helping your child to “avoid” the difficulties experienced by themselves. And the second on; will be pushing all the forces and experience in his own possession to fully recreate a picture of his/her own childhood.

So if they choose the first method they try to educate their children well from their point of view, and as a rule, trying to avoid what has caused their own suffering in their childhood. Relying on the fact that if they do it right to make it work well, developing a variety of knowledge and skills, their child will be happy and successful. However, the most important are your relationships with your children, and especially the emotional relationship not different educational doctrines.

With the second method they trying to create a copy of themselves. Of course, a suitable child is a handy child, so alike, appropriate to your views and expectations, and doing what he is asked to do.
Whit this forgetting that a child doesn’t have to achieve the parenting goals and must not tackle an adult problem. He’s just a kid and not capable of it.
In this context, a child doesn’t live his own life. The list of situations where the birth of a child should solve a problem of parents is very long.

In pursuit of intelligence and accuracy, the parents often overlook the most important things what they actually broadcast to their child.
The highest mark on a child is left by feelings associated with the relationship with the most important people; mom and dad and other family members later.

Some parents put on their children so much demand and cause them to be “adults” and take full responsibility not only for themselves but for their own sake as well. They are trying to build some kind of “frameworks” of their children, often forbidden them to be just children and breaking them with their own hands.

The current children’s life’s much more difficult than it was ones. They are forced to live in such a frantic world, poured of a huge amount of information (mostly negative and unnecessary) in which do not have time to live, even the adults.

Many parents are faced with the inability to accept others as a personality including their children. All of this comes from the fact that they themselves had this experience when their parents could not accept them as such as they were. And in the more autocratic system the child grows, the major is the intolerant towards him, the more likely that the child will be forced to adapt unless he has a way out.

Because being deprived of parental love is death, so the best solution seems to suppress themselves, their desires and needs, which will earn them the right to live in a relatively safe family.
Security, this is indeed relative, because new situations are new tests and the need to keep constantly look at their parents, their reaction to understand for yourself, “What I did now?”

The parents don’t take in consideration that when the child grows up, he/she will have to live on their own in this difficult world. And if he/she is very obedient and he could just follow the instructions of others, it will be easy to manipulate, to control. He/she will never be able to make independent decisions, will always be dependent on someone else opinion.

The child that has been not loved and injured, cannot give love in return. He/she can pretend that he/she likes, can play, to imitate, but it is difficult to love for them because they do not love themselves.

At the same time, a child learns the message from the world (and a parent at an early age for a child is a world) that he/she is wrong, an outcast, unwelcome and that they are dissatisfied and wants someone better, different.
With the same sensation of being constantly attacked and defending himself this child will continue in his grown-up life.
Such a person in any close relationship will feel threatened, will avoid them, or on the contrary, will inhibit the partners to better control their anxiety because in his/her picture of the world partner sooner or later will hurt him/her.
In general, all it happens again.

The child is easier to give up his body, to convince himself that he was not hurt, when it have been punished from a parent than to accept the fact that a parent does not love him. If a parent denies a child in a positive attention, the child will look for the negative. And very often the parents spoil their children by reproaching them the own discontent and frustration. How easy it is to shift the responsibility for their own choices for their lives, for their unhappiness at the little defenseless child. It is easy to blame the child of all his/her misery, despair, disasters, the pain of unfulfilled expectations and make the child responsible for their life.

Mothers more than the fathers are responsible for the emotional development of the child.
A task more fathers relate to the role of protection and recognition. And this is especially important for the “future men”. If the father is ready to protect the baby from a loud aunt, big guys or bad dog it will generate confidence in it: “The world is on my side. I’m protected. ”
Subsequently, such a man will defend himself with all people encroaching on its borders. The question now is not so much about the physical self-defense, but about respect for their rights, for example: do not do what you do not want.
Child emotions that ensure his mental health will help enormously fulfilling his adult life. If a child is valued, respected it will also appreciate and respect. If a child did not have to contain and suppress their feelings, it will not require it and from their loved ones. Only by respecting ourselves, we are able to show respect for other people.

When a child crying on the resentment, anger, loss they learn to live their pain. On the psychological level, this means: “Yes, there was trouble with me, and I have the right to express my misfortune.”
Then even a strong and tragic event that appears begins to lose its power and give the energy to go on.
If a boy or girl, man or woman can not afford to live their pain and, worst of all, continue to deny it, they will have to pay dearly for it. On the retention of pain spent a huge amount of psychic energy.
Violence against own selves generates a lot of anger that needs to do something with. Anger is a very strong energy, which can not disappear by itself.
Gran part of the destructive models has its origins in self-suppression.

So do not require perfection from yourselves and even from your children because they are only at the beginning of self-knowledge.
Perfection is very expensive. And the disease is often the only state where such children have let themselves be “real”.
“Perfect” or “very sick” – and nothing else.

The parent message can become a heavy burden for a child in his adult life. When the child grows up, he usually does not remember these messages. They grow, absorbing them into his blood and flesh so that they no longer need to be memorized. And they will need incredible courage to begin to deal with this “time bomb” that was laid in their mind and will have to neutralize.

The greatest gift to a child can become a parent awareness when such important people for a child were able to free themselves.
Then it is not difficult to let the child be himself.
Being free to talk about themselves, about their feelings, not shifting their responsibility to the child.
Soaking his feelings, not run away from them. Do not devalue not rationalize. Letting the child live the real life, not the one that they’re selected for him/her, the safe one in their believes.

Therefore is very difficult in the end, if a parent task is that to draw a line between the child and their own fear, anxiety, frustration, and shame. Overcome by the feelings from the past, a parent often loses the true relationship with the child or are in proximity to it.
And then his child slips away from him, while remaining incomprehensible and inaccessible.
Trying to make him/her a good man/women, despite his initial handicap, their ignore completely child own needs, dreams and desires.



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