Child-parent relationship, from a psychological point of view, who is in control of your life

Child psychological traumas

A psychological trauma causes long emotional experiences and has a long psychological impact. The cause of the trauma can be any significant event for a person: deception, betrayal, disappointment, injustice, violence, a death of a loved one, loss experiences, any crisis, illness.
All these events may not be traumatic if a person integrated them into his worldview.

Does the person know about their wounds?
Not always, knowing your wounds is the path to healing.

And the most unconscious, deep-seated, and therefore especially strongly and unnoticed psychological traumas affecting a person’s life, are child psychological traumas. Any violation of family relationships does not pass without a trace to anyone, but for the child this factor becomes decisive.

Influence of children experience of communication with parents is undeniable. Characteristic of a particular culture, the characteristics of the structure of the family are transmitted as if by inheritance.


According to K. Horney (a German psychoanalyst), a child, when confronted with a “hostile world”, has an anxiety that intensifies with a lack of parental love and attention.

According to E. Fromm ( a German-born American social psychologist, psychoanalyst), anxiety arises from the inability of the individual to achieve harmony with the social environment and the resulting sense of loneliness.

M. Argyle (an English social psychologist), statistically proved that loneliness (meaning existential loneliness, when you can not be yourself with anyone) generates stress.

In a state of distress, for example, that arose in response to a sudden maternal deprivation, a child, unlike an adult, is unable to self-sustain and calm himself, he usually just falls asleep, “turns off”.

Repeated or permanently existing psycho-traumatic circumstances lead to a delay in the child’s mental development and a transition to a state of apathy with increased demand, capriciousness, and then – with detachment and passivity.

Among the factors that determine and support distress, in some cases, objectively severe, unconditionally pathogenic external situations predominate: early separation from parents due to their loss, imprisonment, severe mental disorder, placing the child himself in a shelter with soulless, cruel treatment, sexual violence and etc.

However, in most cases, the psych-traumatic effect is implicit, hidden.
It is, as a rule, the inability of the immediate environment, especially the mother, to provide the child with an atmosphere of trust, security, emotional resonance.

The situation of emotional deprivation can hide behind seemingly well-off home conditions, in particular, over the situation hyper protection, when no one even suspects that in the relationship of parents with children, there are not enough important sensory and behavioral components.


Primarily important, “supporting” for the child parental figures often themselves suffer various forms of personality disorders that interfere with the full emotional interaction in the family and, as a consequence, normal mental development of the child.

The well-known Canadian-born psychiatrist Eric Berne was the first to suggest the idea that each person has one or more basic life positions or “life scenarios”.
These scenarios dictate to us our actions and our behavior in general.

Berne defined the “script” as “an unconscious life plan”, which begins in childhood and has a clear structure in our view. We unconsciously act according to the plan, which for us is familiar, understandable and predictable and gives us the illusion of “familiarity”, and thus control over the situation and security.
The “Life scenarios” is our subconscious psychological defense against all sorts of emotional stresses.

The choice of the scenario in early childhood is greatly influenced by our immediate surroundings. From the first days of life, they convey to us “message” (dictated by their own “life script”) on the basis of which are formed our ideas about ourselves, about others, about the world in general.

This does not mean that these or other scenarios are “generic”, passed down from generation to generation.

From generation to generation in the family transferred certain lifestyle, a certain type of response (in particular the relationship with the opposite sex), certain “life script”.
The theory of “life scenarios” lie the origins of myths about “family curse”, “crown of celibacy,” “dirty karma” and so on.



And to change your scenario to solve the problem of any psychological problem it is not easy, but anyone can. In order to do it, you need to find and change the very essence of the script, and not external behavior.

However, changing the external behavior, a person can also come to an understanding of what prevents him in the very implementation of the desired behavior.

It is believed that by the age of seven the basis of the “life scenario” has been written. This does not mean that it will remain unchanged throughout life.

All the fun just begins. A person can build his own life, just need to understand what a strong influence subconscious scenarios, laid down in childhood and in the experience of all previous life, have.

Solving everyday problems, overcoming the emerging difficulties and problems, the person thereby moves towards his goal, approaching perfection and harmony.
Therefore, not more puzzle regarding the root of the problems with your parents, what life scenario they gave to you.


In the course of your life, you will inevitably come across the same issues that your parents could not solve, and everything will become clear in itself, in all complexity.

It is believed that by getting rid of the condemnation of parents, and indeed of older generations, a person will only be able to overcome “generic” problems in his life. And the presence of condemnation, thus, is an indicator that the person himself has the same shortcomings, in which he accuses the significant figures of his past.

American psychologists Robert and Mary Goulding talked about the same but in other terms. They built the concept that many unresolved mental problems of parents are transmitted to their children, and in a worsened form.

This transfer takes place by a suggestion from the parent to the child in early childhood. We can teach the other only what we own. So parents give their children “parental directives” about how to live, treat people and treat themselves.

A directive is a hidden order implicitly formulated by the words or actions of the parent, for the failure of which the child will be punished. Not explicitly (flogging or cuffing, silent blackmail or abuse), but indirectly – own guilt feelings towards the parent who gave this directive.

And because these guilt feelings, the child (and often an adult – because we also control each other with the help of directives) cannot realize himself without help.
After all, when executing directives, he feels “good and right”.


Therefore, it is extremely difficult (but possible) to skip that level of fullness of life and humanity that parents have achieved.
But without putting some effort to change the situation, a person becomes even more unhappy than his parents.

The main directive, which could include all the others, is: “Do not be yourself.”
A person with this directive is constantly dissatisfied with himself.
Such people live in a state of agonizing inner conflict.

The remaining guidelines below explain this. Here are brief examples of such directives (can be counted dozens and very thoroughly disassemble each of them):

– The first directive is “Do not live.” How many problems did you bring to us when you were born?

– The second directive is “Do not trust yourself.” We know better what you need in this life. There will always be those who think that they know you better than you know what your duty is.

– The third directive is “Do not be a child”. Be serious, do not rejoice. And a person, becoming an adult, can not learn to fully rest and relax, as he feels guilty for his “childish” desires and needs. In addition, this person has a tough barrier in dealing with children.

– The fourth directive is “Do not feel.” This message can be transmitted by parents who are themselves accustomed to restrain their feelings. The child learns to “not hear” the signals of his body and soul about possible troubles.

– The fifth directive is “Be the best”. Otherwise, you can not be happy. And since it is impossible to be the best in everything, it is also impossible to see for this child the happiness in life.

– The sixth directive – “You can not trust anyone, so you believe me!”. The child is accustomed to the fact that the surrounding world is hostile and survives in it only cunning and treacherous.

– The seventh directive is “Do not do it.” As a result, the child is afraid to make any decisions on his own. Not knowing what is safe, experiencing difficulties, doubts and excessive fears at the beginning of each new case.

As the recent comparative studies show, the nature and degree of the sense of autonomy that parents can form in their baby depend on their self-esteem and personal independence.

For children, the individual actions of the parents are not so important, they are primarily concerned with their life position: if the parents living as loving individuals, helping one another and firm in their convictions or the contrary are they wicked, anxious, internally confused and disturbed.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s