The heaviest burden that falls on the shoulders of the child – this is the lifeless life of his parents.
_ Carl Gustav Jung
For the child, the family becomes a kind of psychodrama, with love and hatred, jealousy and dependence, fear and longing mingle.
Ambivalence reaches its peak.
Parents who love and protect him can also attack him, leave, die, scold, try to control, etc.
By culture and environment it is prescribed to love parents, therefore negative impressions find their expression in the figures of witches, monsters, etc.
A. Freud wrote that children flee from the object of their fear, but at the same time fall under its charm and irresistibly draw to it.
This is the case when a child returns to the opportunity to realize his negative impressions and experiences from this world, including intrauterine and infantile impressions.
It’s a form that they can live a presence in the world of good and bad. Little children and adolescents like to reread the frightening tales, watch horror movies, in order to get frightened, regain control of their fears.
The symbolic image (or situation in the game space) simultaneously expresses emotion and holds it back. The development of symbolization contributes to the proper development of the individual, helps to cope with anxiety, to take control of anxiety and fears. This development unites the outer and inner space (the real and fantasy world) of the child.
The world of the child is different from the adult world.
Depending on the age, children have their own logic, worldview, their own “zone of proximal development,” their capabilities.
Wise parents peer at and listen to children, trying to understand what their nature endowed and what is missing. Such parents are guided by the principle “You exist and I love you”.
To reveal the root causes of childish anger, envy, it should be remembered that they are secondary to feelings of pain, resentment, fear, which in turn arise from the unfulfilled need for love, recognition, respect.
At the core of the latter lie the basic aspirations expressed by the words “I’m good” (self-esteem), “I’m loved”, “I can.” The foundation of this entire pyramid is the sense of inner well-being (or ill-being) that forms in the child as a result of our treatment with him.
It is a constant competition between family members. And from superficial and formal is turned into indifference.
The feeling of trouble is the root of all children anomalies and tragedies.
The punishment or self-punishment of a child only aggravate it, and only the constant strengthening of the sense of self-worth can help.
The reason for the prevalence of “family curses” lies in the fact that parents unconsciously reproduce in relation to the child and to each other those unhealthy relationships that they have learned as children in their parents’ family.
The person has no choice in relation to the unconscious part of his personality.
In these same alleys, curses are also hidden, programming a person for behavior, which makes him unhappy.
The attitude of others, especially the mother for the child, his needs, his desires are imprinted in the child’s soul from the first days of his life. If he receives warmth, affection, care, then an image of the world is created that is safe, open and trustworthy.
Otherwise, the world for the children soul becomes a source of danger and discomfort.
Often the child trauma is due to unresolved problems of parents and others.
No wonder they say that healthy children are born from parents who were happy in bed.
Clinical experience has repeatedly confirmed this truth, only from its reverse side, because the relationship of childhood neuroses with sexual inconsistency and conflicts of parents has always been traced.
In general, it can safely be said the following: a mother who receives satisfaction in sexual life is able to easily meet the needs of her child because she has enough love for this.
A rich material for understanding the connection between love and sex is provided by the study of the child’s psychosexual development.
From the point of view of biology, every child is the fruit of love, sex is an expression of love at the physical level. Unfortunately, most people tend to experience conflicts and contradictions, and sex and pregnancy are often burdened by so-called “secondary motivations” (according to W.Reich the Austrian doctor of medicine and psychoanalyst).
So, sex can become an act of subordination, in order to avoid conflict, rather than a voluntary expression of love and pregnancy is a consequence of the secondary desire of a woman to tie a man stronger or fill the void in his life.
Such “secondary feelings” limit maternal love, although they do not deny it.
Every expression of love and attention showed by a woman to a child shows her love for him.
But at the same time, she may hate him. Many mothers tell about this, saying that sometimes they feel such anger towards the baby as if they are ready to kill him.
A sharp tone, a cold look, a sarcastic remark can give an unconscious dislike that the child sensitively catches.
But few bonds can be as intense as that which is established between mothers and children. First from the cordon, then to the breast and then later with the weaning: a mother literally feeds her child until the self-sufficiency of the latter is reached and not only.
When the child has grown up, the mother continues to feed him with her love and care. The mother, for her child, is a daily pillar, a refuge, an accomplice: she is the first figure of attachment capable of offering freedom so that the child can embark on his personal journey.
Children live a condition of absolute, even if transient, dependence on their mother, they must rely on the adult for any need. With growth and maturity this relationship changes, but remains largely indissoluble over time.
During this century, in a slow and differentiated way, the role of the father in the family has changed compared to a few decades ago when there was a rigid identification between male and female, with inevitable repercussions in the parenting roles within the family unit.
The father helps to define the identity of the child, as other things from himself and his mother. When the child feels called by his own name and recognized as something else, that is, with his own body, his own skin, his own thought, his own individuality, he can separate himself from that womb in which he has been contained and grown and feeling born.
This is one of the fundamental aspects of the relationship between fathers and sons: the paternal function allows separation from the welcoming uterus to enter a new world; it is the same function that will allow the adolescent first and then the young, to separate from the family and enter the social world.
In the context of the relationship fathers sons, the paternal function was much valued by Freud, who identified its importance especially in the processes related to the constitution and elaboration of the conflict of Oedipus, the development of sexual identity, the internalization of a code ethical and moral and to the development of the Super-ego.
The father is the witness of the initial wound, the one that breaks the mother-child symbiosis and helps the child to live structurally the difficulties of life, educating him to desire. Without it the child remains in symbiosis, in the stasis that prevents him from transforming this loss from destructive experience to an indispensable step for the construction of his own identity.
It is therefore the bearer of the symbol of the relationship with reality, in that it defines the meanings necessary for survival, both physical and psychological, with the external world through its ethical and cultural role.
The lack of a guide, a strong reference point that teaches the spirit of sacrifice and the sense of responsibility can have negative effects on the children.
In fact, the mother can pass everything on to him, with her love and affectionate presence, but not the instinct of the characteristics of male thought and action. It is necessary for the male child to identify himself with a strong reference that helps him to interpret his own life in an autonomous and original way.
In fact, the child finds ease in identifying herself with her mother. She will play mommy with dolls and her companions, she will wear her mother’s shoes pretending to be her imitating her in her gestures and behavior.
But the girl must differentiate herself from her mother to know a very different “other”: the father, the male to be conquered and from whom he will feel loved differently from the one experienced in the relationship with the mother.
Many studies show how, along the path of children’s growth, the coexistence of a “maternal affective code” marked by care, protection and unconditional acceptance and a paternal code expressed by responsibility, by the norm, by the emancipatory drive are fundamental to guarantee a balanced evolution of personal identity.
The love for a child is indescribable, I think only those who are parents can understand, as children are not
even in the least possible to imagine what one feels.
The victories of the children are worth more than ours, the joys of the children are worth more than ours and when the children suffer, if possible we suffer more from them.