“ I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.”
– Steve Maraboli
Instead, we all suffer in one way or another of the fact that we were disliked as a child, and this did not allow ourselves to be and develop according to our nature.
It was not easy when the eyes of our relatives betrayed us because they put the image of us in our place, and we have used to Conform to their image.
Due to the fact that children are totally dependent on adults, they are forced to compromise with themselves, so as not to perish and not go insane.
Therefore, gradually accept the truth about themselves, which is passed by the parents.
In other words, in the event that parents do not know how to really love, children lose themselves. And the child began to avoid himself because everyone avoids him.
Each child is born in a crowd and begins to imitate people, repeat their actions. The child falls into the same agonizing situation as the others.
And he begins to think that this is the whole life.
Problematic adults are characterized by extremely unstable and polarized self-esteem, the formation of which goes back to the earliest stages of personality development.
They do not have a basic sense of well-being, inner harmony, and self-sufficiency, which is created as a function of optimal soothing, satiety and security in a balanced relationship between parents and a developing child.
Due to this deficiency, the acquisition of the ability to love oneself and others is delayed, the presence of which is necessary to develop a person’s sense of self-worth and, ultimately, for a purposeful and independent existence.
As a result, such individuals are in constant throwing between positions of low value with self-denial and isolation and “omnipotence” with an abandonment of reality, self-aggrandizement, and bravado.
For this contingent as a whole, it is peculiar to identify, differentiate and verbalize their feelings.
Thus, when answering a question about their condition, in some cases they cannot recognize the existence of actual experiences in general and to say how they feel and what disturbs them.
In others cases, they are unable to distinguish, for example, anxiety from anguish, sorrow from anger and etc.
At the same time, many of them find a high level of logical analysis of their own and others’ goals and intentions, are able to predict significant situations, manage their development and in the ordinary life give the impression of practical people.
However, in the nature of their own motivations, they divert the feelings of an inadequately small, secondary place, guided by more or less socially acceptable cliches of rational and expedient.
Their emotional life is a deficit and, in fact, is determined by the situational context, limited to reactions to events and facts.
With regard to “difficult” for the person, unpleasant or contradictory feelings, alienation mechanisms operate.
There are frequent episodes of discontent with one’s own mental functioning, above all, the ability to experience “true” joy, pleasure and other positive emotions.
Parents, spouses and other relatives of such people often remark that they in the past complained about lack of self-realization, boredom, “grayness” of their existence.
Others predominantly actualize the problem of apparent lack of their own spontaneous activity, low tone with a sense of “automaticity”, lack of meaningfulness of their existence, inner emptiness.
And in later life, in order to start the path to psychological well-being, the first step is to accept yourself. Accepting yourself is a very important gift, which is called “the most important law of personal growth.”
This gift could be given to us by our parents if they had it in themselves. We could give this gift to our children if we have one.
Accepting something is when you simply perceive something as it is, and say: “So it is.”
Someone that really loves another does not want to see him as a victim, he believes in him and in his strength.
Most people will always look at things through filters “impossible”, “not allowed”, “should”, filters and prejudice.
When reality comes into conflict with our ideas about what a reality should be, the reality always wins. Therefore, we either struggle with reality and get some frustration or turn away from it and look for ways to protect our consciousness.
Acceptance is the first step to a successful action. If you can not fully accept the situation as it is, it will be difficult for you to change it. Moreover, if you do not take the situation completely, you can never know if you need to change it at all.
The value of acceptance is that your attitude to life and yourself becomes better. Nothing will change the past.
You can fight the past, pretend it was not, or you can accept it.
When you are in a state of rejection, it is difficult for you to learn.
The clenched psyche, prepared for battle with the real presence of what should not be accepted, can not get a lesson.
Relax. Accept what already takes place, whether done by you or independently of you. And then try to get a lesson from all it.
How can you love yourself?
First of all, stop comparing yourself, stop evaluating. Accept yourself as you are. Develop and seek love for yourself.
Self-love is a love of life: to life in general and to life in oneself.
Our childhood and relationships in the parent family can be both the cause of serious problems, and the main support and source of resources in adult life.
In childhood, a lot is laid. And you can find many positive, supportive moments.
Uncertainty is a nasty state to deal with but not the worst one.
Many people all their lives are tormented by an oppressive sense of guilt.
They believe that they do not live up to expectations of their parents.
Most people simply do not want to know the story of their childhood and do not want to realize that it was something that was laid in childhood that determines their actions.
They do not realize that they try to avoid the dangers that used to be real, but for a long time now, are not.
Accepting this means a new recreation of their self, that involves a lot of work, time, energy and mostly the desire of knowing and rebuilding a different life.
All, have the right to rewrite the fate of their life by changing their consciousness.
By doing this they:
_ Will be full of love and not of hatred.
_ Will be happy and not grieve.
_ Will be merciful and not cruel.
_ Will be freedom-loving and not selfish.
_ Will learn to accept and not judge.
_ Will learn what is humility and how to tame their pride.
_ Will learn to realize in exchange of ignorance.
_ Will know the difference between compassion and pity.
_ Will find faith abandoning the role of victim.
There is no written or unwritten law that can not force you to be in this or that situation.
Your reality is the consequences of your actions and the decisions are up to you. Even the rejection of an action is an action.
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche