“There is more to a boy than what his mother sees. There is more to a boy then what his father dreams. Inside every boy lies a heart that beats. And sometimes it screams, refusing to take defeat. And sometimes his father’s dreams aren’t big enough, and sometimes his mother’s vision isn’t long enough. And sometimes the boy has to dream his own dreams and break through the clouds with his own sunbeams.”
― Ben Behunin, Remembering Isaac: The Wise and Joyful Potter of Niederbipp
At a time when the child is small, he does not understand what is happening to him, he needs to be told. He needs to identify his feelings and emotions.
For example, a child stomps his feet, and we say – I see how angry you are, how something does not suit you. Those.
We explain this to him, and the child understands that his mother is not frightened by his behavior, that it does not irritate his mother.
But more often in life, parents getting irritated, shout at the child: “Now shut up! Otherwise, I’ll put it in the corner … ”
By doing this they completely ignore the child’s emotions.
And the child then clamps his emotions.
But since he is a living being, he continues to experience them.
He begins to experience them in a very strange way.
There are 4 basic emotions a person experiences:
I ask you to think about which of these emotions you were forbidden in your childhood?
Who was banned from the manifestation of sadness in childhood? Those. That when you were sad, you were told: “What are you doing this face, stop now!”
You were not allowed to be in a sad mood. Either they somehow distracted you, or entertained, or did something, but sadness was forbidden.
It is interesting that the change of the banned emotion, are replaced with some other emotion, the so-called racket emotion.
So one starts to exploit another emotion, which is welcome in the family.
In a house, where sadness is forbidden. Often an alternative to it is the joy.
And if a person is sad, then is not welcomed.
People who live in such a scenario, in any company, start joking and playing, somehow encouraging everyone.
As soon as the company appears, they begin to work as cult-masters-entertainers.
I must say that this is a wonderful ability, but it’s bad when you do it practically without a choice.
This is a compulsory behavior, a compulsory behavior that is leading everybody.
One just cannot allow someone to sit sadly.
***One person comes to an appointment with a therapist and says:
“You know, I have a suicidal depression. I just can not live! Help me, please, I feel unbearably bad! ”
To which the psychotherapist replays:” Sorry, but my reception for today is over. But I can invite you to the circus with me. I’m now going to the show. A wonderful troupe has arrived in our city, and there is such a wonderful clown! ”
” You see, doctor, I am this clown!” – Was the patient responds.***
Among us, there are people who, by virtue of their profession, are such “jokers”, similar to Woody Allen, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey etc.
If you ask their loved ones, what they are like at home, then, as a rule, they are very prone to depression. But as soon as they see the viewer, as soon as they see a glance from the side, they start to improvise something.
This view is imprinted from childhood, this is the view of their mom or dad. And so now any view addressed to them, this is an occasion for the display of their artistic abilities.
For others, such a person is very attractive, the soul of the company.
They are invited everywhere, with them it’s fun.
But anaother problem is who would amuse them.
Because their condition is not really rainbow, even when they smile. Often is just a sad smile.
And the people around will never believe that such a merry fellows can have problems.
If you have been banned from anger, very often the fear comes to replace it as a racket.
Such people are often quiet, silent, prefer to be away, do not like to open, etc.
Why? They are really afraid.
Because, with a sufficiently deep contact, they begin to feel how “something” from within rises.
They are afraid of this “something”, prefer to retire. And what raises is actually the anger.
The therapy of such people will go through the living of anger, through the release of anger. They had a real excuse for anger, they had every reason to be angry.
Because it have been simply banned.
And to forbid a person to experience natural emotions, means, to suppress them.
A person have the capacity to transform emotions.
We can transform sadness into joy and resentment into gratitude.
A lot of opportunities are given by the human form of life, but only at the level of reason.
If emotions are simply suppressed, then the person from the outside looks like controlling his emotions.
But in fact he is just afraid of them. He is afraid to show them, to live.
The fear that one can fall into some uncontrollable situation leads to the fact to simply avoid these feelings. This is again a racket emotion.
Let’s talk about joy. Strangely but in many families, this emotion is forbidden too.
“Laughter without a reason is a sign of a foolishness.”
“You’ll laugh a lot, you’ll cry a lot.”
There are slogans that are simply transmitted as a script from generation to generation.
You can see such a family cliche of sadness on the face; the parents, the grandparents, and children as well.
Fortunately now day’s more children apparently have a different scenario, they do not want to mourn. And being well literate, when parents give advice, children often advise the parents to take the advantage themselves.
They are not inspired either by the sad kind of parents nor by their “success” in life. “What right have you to tell me how to be happy, if I see that you are unhappy,” – can be the replay of such a child.
Indeed, how one can make other people happy by going all the time with a sad face.
Is was very often banned in childhood, especially to men.
“Boys never cry.”
In fact, the boys are also afraid. But in spite of all his feelings, he must be a fearless robot.
Wives expect from their husbands only correct decisions, but sometimes a man is scared, and he too can cry. This is normal. If a man does not trust these feelings, he forbids you to test them.
A man who did not feel his tears, when you cry he will run into a stupor, he will pretend that he does not see. And it will be easier for him to leave home.
Because in his heart something strange will happen, and he will become frightened.
In this case, when certain emotions are not realized naturally, relationship and marriage become problematic because a person does not know what he feels.
So, these are the basic emotions and they are really important.
A person always feels something.
And all need to understand what they feel at a precise moment.
Because very often, when one is asked how he feels, the only way to express it is by saying: “I think that I feel fear, for example, or anger etc.”
This mean that his contact with the emotional function of the mind is completely unsettled. First, he thinks, then he feels.
It is easier for another person to do something than to feel.
But one needs to learn how to feel first, not to do.
One need to learn inner life if he has already learned the outer life.
When has been done a lot of necessary and unnecessary, is time to come in contact with ownselves, come into contact with own inner world and feel for real.
Sometimes, in words, it’s difficult to describe the feeling. Because our feelings are deeper, wider.
We can just say anger.
But, if you ask 5 angry people who are in a state of anger at the moment, to describe their anger, then exactly 5 versions will turn out.
One will say: “I have a feeling that I’m all filled up like a hot ball. I have a feeling that all this balloon will explode and lava will flow from there. ”
Another will say: “I have a feeling, as if I was squeezed from the inside, I become clenched. And this lump becomes harder, harder, harder. ” It turns out that anger can be different.
And the third one will say: “Everything inside me is knocking, it feels like waves are rolling.”
We need to study and understand such moments, and that for a child, the emotional component of the relationship is very important in his development.
“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them.
They move on. They move away.
The moments that used to define them are covered by
moments of their own accomplishments.
It is not until much later, that
their stories and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories
of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,
beneath the water of their lives.”
― Paulo Coelho