One of the most understandable emotions. All of us somehow took offenses in this life, and each of us offended someone.
Many lives are warped by resentment, many ruined relationships, and shattered destinies. Probably, everyone would like to rewrite many pages in their life and cross out the suffered pain from it.
Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge.
It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relations with others.
The main characteristics of feelings of resentment:
– Causes acute emotional pain. It is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.
– It is accompanied by a sense of betrayal. The offended often says: “I never expected such a thing from you.”
– It arises against the background of deceived confidence or unjustified expectations. That is, he did not receive what he expected: they did not give, they deceived, they did not describe it as positively as they would like, and so on.
– The actions of the other are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of their own observations and comparisons with a similar situation in others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves another child more strongly and so on. And, not always it turns out to be true.
– Prolonged for a long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
– It can cause a breakdown in relations or their deterioration in the event of an unprocessed situation. Even a prolonged family tie hidden insult can destroy. Concerning children’s experiences, the unprocessed feeling can result in the adolescent’s aggressive behavior, unwillingness to communicate with parents after reaching adulthood and so on.
– Sent inside. Often the offended can not frankly admit what he took offense at. Therefore emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
– It is accompanied by a sense of irreparability of what happened. Especially typical for impressionable children: “Vlad called me fat when I was with my friends. The world collapsed! I will not be able to communicate with them anymore. ”
– Characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person can not objectively assess what is happening.
– Affect. Can provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or deferred.
– It is possible to be offended not only by relatives. A person with whom there is no relationship or they are superficial can offend. The stranger can offend.
We need to establish ties, a certain approximate distance, a built-up system of expectations and a sufficient level of trust.
– In some cases, severe resentment is accompanied by loss of life support until the desire to die.
– The victim falls into depression, experiences the phenomena of loss of the meaning of life, interests, and desires. Apathy appears. There are suicidal thoughts and aspirations.
A life-threatening situation arises when an insult was inflicted on a person with a small number of social ties; and when the offender is someone very close and meaningful to him, and with who he has connected some difficult basic expectations, hopes for the future.
In this case, the cause of resentment can affects the vital spheres or aspects of the person.
Psychosomatics of resentment is very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness up to an oncological disease or a heart attack.
The fact is that the aggressive component of the offense is most often directed inside and it is very difficult to get rid of. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. It’s hormones. This is a surplus of adrenaline that does not find an outlet from the body and seethes inside a person, hitting the weak spots.
Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to react to their grievances. They cannot pronounce it in chatter with their girl-friends and suffer more.
For example, the father put his trust into his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of the incident provokes a heart attack or even cancer.
Women’s health also strongly depends on mental well-being. When examined, the gynecologist always asks about whether there are conflicts with her husband. This is not an idle curiosity. Conflicts and resentments on a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibromas, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.
Psychologists who study the relationship of female sorrows with women’s health argue that the bitterness of communicating with loved ones in women is localized in certain places: Breasts, uterus, cervix – insults to her husband. Since these are reproductive organs, it is they who take upon themselves all the negative emotions of family life.
Sometimes the result of unspoken experiences, stresses, and problems in the family can become a diagnosis of “Infertility of undiagnosed etiology.” That is, the sense of resentment was so strongly strengthened in the girl’s mind that the organism found a way out for itself in order to prohibit the establishment of offspring in these relationships.
The left ovary is an insult to the mother. Perhaps the reason is hidden in the close relationship of the mother and daughter. You can also say that the left is the heart. Therefore, the feeling receives a response precisely in this organ.
The right ovary is an insult to the father. It is that there is a feeling of resentment against the man, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.
The more offended a woman, the greater the degree of damage to certain organs. In mild cases, it can be a rapidly passing inflammation, in severe cases, it comes to surgery. Particularly sad is the situation, if the mental pain lurks from others, is not pronounced, or even forced into the subconscious.
At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed into the person. The offense is associated with a strong emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its main essence. But a thorough analysis shows that this is not entirely true.
The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and powerlessness.
The latter arises because the event happened, and nothing can be changed.
Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is connected with the fact that expectations were not justified.
For example, we give someone a gift, we expect that a person will be happy and will use it actively. And in return, indifference or even a negative evaluation.
Here in this case, there is just a grudge: impotence to change something and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, because we will show our weakness or step over the limits of decency.
Therefore, anger does not come out, but turns inside and seethes there for a short or long time.
The main types of feelings of resentment
It is necessary to distinguish the actual offense from the mental.
It is a mental insult that can destroy a person’s relationship and life year after year, without giving him any chance of happiness.
The mental nature of the feeling is the attachment of a basic sense of distress obtained in early childhood to all subsequent relationships.
A person looks at each conflict or misunderstanding with others through a magnifying glass of old injuries.
Therefore, even a small misunderstanding is perceived as a mortal offense, and relations are derailed.
_ Female insult to men
Women grievances stand apart and create a whole complex of personal, family and child-parent problems.
A girl, a woman, is weak and defenseless. In many cases, it simply cannot adequately respond to the offender, since it depends entirely on him.
The danger of female offense lies in her ability to poison the whole space for many years to come. And finding ends, reasons in such cases is extremely difficult.
The insult to the husband can be a consequence of a child’s trauma.
Father did not support, was indifferent, criticizing, and bad behaving.
Expectations of the girl from the figure of the father, who supports and protects, did not materialize. There was a mental (basic) insult. This feeling seems to be and should not be thrown over the husband, after all, he is another person, but it turns out in another way.
In any tense situation, to the momentary discontent joins the basic bitterness, and resentment to the beloved grows to cosmic dimensions.
It seems to the woman that her husband does not like her, she especially offends, does spite, does not appreciate, and she scandals more and more.
In such situations, men often escape, but this is not the end of the story.
The next husband comes, then another, but it all ends in one scenario.
In the end, the unfortunate concludes that all men are the same, and begins to ignore the strong sex.
Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.
But the situation becomes especially threatening if the offended woman has a male child. On the surface, she seems to love him and she can scratch eyes for him, but the inner veiled resentment of the man makes mom squeeze the baby almost from childhood.
She always finds an occasion: it is not accurate enough, not attentive enough, it did not arrive on time, and so on. As a result, even a maniac can turn out.
_ Men offense against women
Boys are very vulnerable. They are less tolerant of conflicts because they are unable to express emotions, express them with tears or openly talk.
After all, their society teaches us from childhood that “Only girls cry”, “Be a man, be strong.”
The result is that the negative emotions accumulated over the years, find a response in problems with others, and distrust towards people in general. For example:
– If the fault is the mother.
Usually, difficulties arise in men with strong-willed and hard-core mothers. She controls every step, it is difficult to achieve affection, attention.
Usually, such mothers are careerists who have given birth “to like all people” and do not take an active part in the life of their son, confining themselves to cuffs for poor grades and unworthy behavior.
Or, on the contrary, those who believe that “all my life I gave to him.”
These mothers simply have nowhere to send emotions, except for the baby.
It can be divorced, abandoned or devoted ladies.
They constantly control, blackmail even adult siblings.
Usually, it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, because they do not want to upset or offend the mother.
And she, in turn, does not see a suitable pair for her beloved little son.
As a result, an adult man remains offended for life and may even die alone, without finding a woman who is able to please his mother.
– If the fault is first love, wife. Resentment from the first relationship, betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent. As in the case of women, men begin to look for a dirty trick in new connections, do not trust their partner, and wait for them to be hit in the back.
Usually, if such a person marries, he becomes a terrible jealous man, harassing his wife with suspicions, though completely groundless.
– If the fault is a daughter or a son. As already mentioned above, even resentment to unrealized dreams for your child can bring the offended to oncology. Most often this condition is affected by emotional men who spent a lot of time on their children and did not expect that they could become different than they were in their dreams.
A sense of resentment is part of the structure of our emotionality and cannot be bad or good by definition. It simply exists as a normal reaction of the psyche to unpleasant effects.
But resentment as a character trait psychologists do not welcome and in every possible way recommend to get rid of it.
A person who is offended all the time, tragically silent (man), capriciously “pouted lips” (woman), do not show their true emotions.
The resentment is used by them to manipulate others. Through the demonstration of their resentment and discontent, they try to control their loved ones.
The mechanism of the destructive effect of resentment is most clearly seen on the mothers of elderly bachelors.
Every time when sons try to arrange their personal life, these mummies fall into prostration.
No, they do not arrange scandals, but their appearance expresses all the grief of the world and the sons’ surrender.
The resentment simplifies the life of its owner, sometimes, but spoils the health of others.
It is much easier to play on the feelings of guilt of people close to you than to try to agree with them.
The tactics of such manipulation have great opportunities for governance, but we can not speak of spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, contact in the family.
Suffering people are afraid and they communicate with them through force, rather from a sense of duty, and not out of love.
How to get rid of feelings of insult
It is not easy to understand how to overcome a negative feeling.
Psychologists-practitioners offer numerous recommendations, but they either do not work in a state of emotional outburst or are difficult to use by non-specialists.
However, it is impossible to live long in a state of violent emotional breakdown. Therefore, one must choose from a variety of tips one that is more or less suitable, and use it.
Ways how to get rid of the offenses:
_ Do not save it in yourself.
In one legend, the wise man advises using a “small bowl” for misunderstandings with people.
That is, do not accumulate your dissatisfaction to unbearable dimensions, when it ends with a surge of emotions, scandal or rupture of relations, and find out all the moments that are classified as unfair immediately.
_ Let go of the situation, accept everything as it is.
Insults are always the result of our unjustified expectations.
They are born of dreams, desires and our ideas about the other.
A man is not to blame for having invented character traits that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not have telepathy and does not know our desires.
Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our discontent and color the problem in a completely different direction.
_ Must speak out.
Negative emotions go through words. Talk to friends, girlfriends, a psychologist, a priest, call the helpline.
The main thing – do not wear negativity in yourself.
Working out the situation with the partner.
Have the courage and break the silence.
Explain the offender your feelings and make claims.
Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed.
Even if they offended on purpose, they hardly admit it.
Most often people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
_ Forgive and release.
If you see that someone deliberately constantly offends you, consider if you really need this person?
Loving people take care of partners.
They can hurt unintentionally.
But, if the situation repeats a long time, perhaps you are dealing with an energy vampire. Such types of personalities are nourished by someone else’s pain.
You cannot change them. The only way out is to leave.
Try to understand whether this person caused you an insult, or your strong reaction lies in past troubles.
Perhaps, it is the fault of overwork, nervous overexertion or old injuries. Then you need to apologize, and not the one in front of you.
90% of our offenses are mental.
_ Help from the outside.
If you can not cope with painful experiences yourself, how to let go of the insult, the psychologist will tell.
A specialist is not cheap, but our health, love, relationships are priceless.
Moreover, the response of the body to a feeling can be not only a temporary breakdown but a broken life and lost health.