from a psychological point of view, who is in control of your life

Envy (part2)

Personal envy is more likely to be secretly tested and concealed, considered shameful. This is either an open aggression towards the object of envy, or other forms of rejection of this person.

If we consider the stages of human life, it becomes noticeable that a sense of envy is present to some extent in the behavior of any person.

For the first manifestation of a feeling of envy, a person owes to his parents, as parents, wishing well for the sake of upbringing, always set another, more accurate and capable one as an example to their beloved child.

Such an example can touch anything and is present in the life of a child from an early age – in the psyche there arises a regular reaction of aggression to the one with whom they compare: “what am I worse”, “they do not like me because I’m not like him … like her … “.


Later, with age, such a constant comparison of self-sufficiency and other victories can be internalized, and a person becomes an envious person, although in reality he simply compares himself to another and feels his own failure.

In the world of an infinite stream of information, there are always many reasons to envy and even more reasons to suffer from a clear discrepancy with the standard (the object of envy).

A lot of programs about the life of “stars” make people of average prosperity envy them, as they realize that they will not be able to achieve the same benefits.

Thus, envy also arises from the ambition of more successful people who, when announcing their success, once again assert themselves at the expense of those who admire them.

Another aspect of the illusion and magic of civilization is fashion and appearance, what exists on the gloss is only there, but teenagers and not only, tend to experience envy mixed with admiration for models that seem to have everything.

Envy is always based on identification: they envy those that they want to be like, even if this myth is unattainable.

In 1999, a number of articles were published on the influence of the ideal image of the Barbie doll on the psyche of girls. Girls identify themselves with Barbie and dream to match her.
With age, it turns out that Barbie’s parameters are unrealistic: the girl clearly does not meet her requirements externally and the fans do not cover her with flowers, as expected, everything somehow does not happen by itself.

The very image, the philosophy of Barbie’s life, is so incompatible with real life that this gulf between illusion and reality can be the cause of many depressions.
All this literally destroys the girl’s idea of the world and its place in it.
She begins to feel that this is what happened only to her, and for others everything is different.
Then Barbie is replaced by glossy magazines with ideal models, their retouched bodies, and stellar life.


In fact, envy is a deep sense of disappointment in one’s achievements, a sense of insolvency, imperfection due to the well-known stereotype that envy is something shameful, and a feeling of guilt for the presence of this feeling of envy is layered on the self-esteem.

Envy is a kind of deception, the desire to be happy is transferred to an object or pattern that the other has, and dependence on the sample is formed as a symbol of sufficiency.

Thus, the circle closes: suppression of dissatisfaction entails aggression, then there is jealousy and a sense of guilt imposed by the “Super-I” installation – so a person ceases to feel his own life and only boils in his own passions.
For good reason is said that envy destroys one from within.

The cycle of family relationships is often associated with natural envy: with the appearance of the child in the family, when the mother is the whole world for the child, the man envies her and her relationship with the child and can feel rejected.

With age, the child’s attention switches to the father as a symbol of activity, connection with the outside world – and the mother already envies the form of relationship that she can not build with the child.

Later, both parents envy the company, which becomes the meaning of their child’s life in adolescence.

Then the cycle repeats, but already when that child takes the parent’s place.

This experience is common to all people, but most are afraid to admit it to themselves.

There is a category of people who, while having a lot, still envy others, is not a desire to have something in particular, but rather a sense of inferiority, an envious person is looking for advantages that he lacks in anyone and anything, just to fill in the internal Emptiness and self-indulgence.


Such a person envies those feelings, qualities that possess those who are envied.
This phenomenon is explained by the results of the study by S. Frankel and I. Sherick.

The results of the research conducted by S. Frankel and I. Sherick say that the first deep psychological aspect of envy is that the one that envies want to receive not so much a blessing that is inaccessible but a feeling from it.

In the experiment, it was found that the child is jealous of the toy only when his neighbor is interested in it.
He wants to receive from it the same pleasure (although at first, it was not interesting to it).

The authors singled out the following conditions for the emergence of a feeling of envy:

– There must be the ability to oppose the “I” and the object (for libido-aggressive substitution of the object of envy);
– There must be an idea of ownership;
– There must be the ability to imagine and anticipate the desired final state.

This experiment, in turn, confirms and supplements the theory of equilibrium of F. Haider, who believes that a person can be envious of a thing belonging to another, although he himself never previously felt the need for it and did not even think about it.

That is, one can Wish for something only because this something is possessed by another person.
F. Haider suggested that there is a so-called motive, the desire for the same fate and equal results.

Thus, envy is a reaction to inequality, a desire for justice only in relation to oneself. It is interesting that this motive works only in the context of an equally good, prosperous fate, which confirms the natural egoism of a person.

Fighting with envy is useless because envy is always disguised as other feelings: aggression, irritation, depression.


Ways to get rid of envy can be:

_ Active ways: such as self-improvement, the search for new, own goals and opportunities for their implementation.

_ Passive ways: (for people who do not have enough strength to cope with competition, depression, and apathy)

A more productive, albeit passive way to get rid of envy is to reflect, to find answers to questions about why this object is needed and what it will bring for happiness.
Usually, we are more upset about what we do not have than rejoice at what we have.

It is also important to understand the source of envy, which is very, very difficult because it is not always clear why it is precisely of this person one is jealous.

– First, in order to combat the feeling of envy, it is important to accept the fact that it generally exists in us.
Awareness of this is almost half the solution. But the denial of the problem can trigger the situation.
Then it will be possible to understand the tangle of complex and intricate feelings already only with a psychologist or psychotherapist.

– Secondly, we need to understand the origins of this feeling.
It is necessary to identify the cause of what causes envy.
So, it can be either career successes of other people, or good personal and family relationships, or even the appearance of another person.
And then you can already think about why these achievements or qualities do not appear in you.
Maybe the other is making more efforts to reach career heights, quit his career for the sake of preserving the family or is diligently engaged in matters of his appearance?
It is important to assess the entire situation objectively, considering your possible shortcomings: laziness, lack of initiative, weak will, etc.

– Thirdly, you need to try to imagine yourself in the place of the person who causes envy. And imagine his life completely, and not just those spheres that cause a feeling of envy.
What, I would like, along with his career achievements, to spend money every year on the treatment of a sick stomach or constantly quarrel with his family because of his constant presence at work?
Or would I like to tolerate, together with my wonderful husband, his not very pleasant relatives, whose number, it seems, only grows?
Or did one suddenly want to deny himself, with his ideal appearance, everything that pleases the eye and stomach, and almost always being “forgotten” by friends?

Only after answering these questions does a person begin to set goals that he really wants to achieve.

In the future, when you have the slightest feeling of envy in your thoughts, you must immediately wish the person good.

Such a tactic of spreading positive thoughts in the universe will necessarily work because thoughts are material.

After all, if someone has succeeded in achieving the goal, then it turns out that this can do the others too.

It is important to learn not to compare yourself to others in the future.
The only one with whom you need to compare yourself is you in the past.

There will always be people who are more successful than us, more beautiful than us, richer than us and more famous than us.
But this does not mean that we are bad.
This means that our positive qualities and characteristics are slightly different.

And if you have fulfilled some point of your personal plan, put yourself in mind a “tick” that you did it, feel pride in yourself, and get down to business for the next “tick”!

Paradoxically, only sincerely loving yourself, you can love someone else.


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