from a psychological point of view, who is in control of your life


Pity is, at first glance, a very good and necessary quality of a person. This ability to treat others with understanding, with sympathy, a desire to support in a difficult moment.

Pity is caused by people who have fallen into various everyday worries, homeless people, invalids, street beggars.

We regret our children, aged parents, relatives who have fallen into unfavorable situations.

There are many reasons for this feeling, and, very often, many people start to believe that by doing so, they really provide such people with real help.
But, as always, is not so simple.



If the child fell from the hill and hurt himself, naturally, it is necessary to regret. Expressing to him your sympathy and care. This is our parental duty.

But, if from the feeling of pity, do not let him go more on this hill, or stand side by side and constantly hold his hand, then, most likely, your child will not learn to deftly climb on this hill, and will be, at least a small, but a gap, in his development, which in the future will need to be filled.

If you, from the feeling of pity, will do for your child his daily duties (cleaning up toys, doing the bed, washing dishes), then, in time, your child will turn into a double egoist who does not know how and who does not want to do something in the house.

Many wives, out of a sense of pity, suffer the antics of their husbands and, instead of jointly changing the situation, these antics tend to blossom over the years.

From the feeling of pity, you can give alms in the street. And the beggar, who received it, will never start to work and will remain on the street hoping to get his portion of pity and in addition the financial reward.

The feeling of pity is very subtle and not just a manifestation of the human soul. Everyone has to figure out for themselves where that line lies between heartlessness and causality, and when the manifestation of pity brings harm to a person, including the mechanism for obtaining another portion of this very pity.

Here it will not be possible to give concrete recommendations, each situation is special, and requires an individual approach.
It is necessary, first of all, to get used to the understanding that with this feeling, as with all the others, it is necessary to learn how to work properly.


Sometimes it is enough to regret a person once, and after that, he/she gathers with strength and finds a way to change his situation.
And other times you need to exercise this feeling for a long time, so that a person has a breath, and managed to gather strength.

A child should learn not create unnecessary fears and nurture the desire to solve his problems with someone else’s hands.
When your child falls, he, by the other side learn to do it. He must be able to fall. But, it is equally important to learn to RISE yourself, without outside help.
This is very useful, in adult life.

The only thing that can be recommended here is that it is necessary to see the reality in every situation when pity from a warm, kind, sincere feeling is transformed into a poisonous vaccination that kills a person’s desire to strain and change the course of things.

If a person regrets a lonely old woman and helped her by doing something on the household or buying food, then this is also a constructive pity. The regrettably disinterestedly rendered help to someone who really needs it.
And the old lady has received attention, that, probably, for her, it’s even more important than products.

What is a bad pity?

There is pity, destructive, bad. It can cause serious harm to the object of pity.
Such pity prevents a person from developing, growing, depriving the stimulus for action and undermining faith in himself.

Sometimes you see adult men, in good fiscal shape, who ask for charity.
Many give them, without thinking about why such a man asks money instead of going to work.

He can be a janitor, a loader, a handyman … As a rule, it is not difficult to find such positions, but for some reason, he chooses the path of begging.
Collecting the amount he needs, he, most likely, just drink this money.

Did such a man become better, because someone has been sorry for him and gave him money?
No. In fact, pity encourages his alcoholism and hampers development, preventing him from breaking out of the vicious circle.

Of course, we can delve into the arguments that he himself chose this path, etc., but now we are talking about pity.
And in this particular example, pity does not do better to someone who has been pitied but has the opposite effect.


Even parents, pitying their children, sometimes render them a disservice.
You can be pitying him differently.
It’s one thing if you’re sorry, and you encourage the child to get stronger and explain to him that such thing can happen to all.
But supporting a child, that you feel sorry for, by saying: “you poor thing, how unlucky are you, something always happens to you …”, it’s quite another thing.

It happens that parents, regretting a fully grown-up child, giving him money. After all, he has no money to go to a nightclub with friends, nor buy fashionable jeans. It is necessary to help. Poor child!

And this “little child”, seeing such a pity, continue not to earn his jeans and nightclubs.
What for? Parents will always give him what he asks.
This is another example of pity that prevents a person from moving forward and developing.

It is possible to parasitize someone else’s pity, but this is possible only on the condition that both parties take an active part in this.

“Helpless” with all his might demonstrates his lack of strength (paradox, yes), and the pitying willingly believes that the unfortunate really does not have any opportunities to change something.


This is based on “love out of pity,” which, in fact, is a love for feeling strong next to the helpless.

“I can not live without you!” – a classic manipulative phrase that loses contact with reality since its release from childhood.
But this phrase is flattering to those for whom the only way to feel valuable is to feed on the needy.

In such pity-dependence, there is no resource on the part of the “pitying”, and helplessness of the other (real or imaginary), is in itself a resource in order to support oneself.

There is no real pity, as the desire to temporarily share their strength, here is just the mutual parasitism on common weaknesses.

If love is a pity, then this love can only last until the moment when the “beloved” will rise to his feet.
“He/she will be lost without me!” – and then everything will be done, that he/she could never leave because this will mean the end of “love”.

Relationships built on pity inevitably lead to mutual dependence-parasitism, when the weakness of one becomes a condition for the strength of the other.

A person who is not ready to become a “donor” for the sensation of someone else’s “power”, will angrily wave off the: “poor you, unfortunate.”

There is also a manipulative “I feel sorry for you”.
This is a simple assertion of superiority over the defective, in which there is no desire to be a support for the one whom you “pity”.

A reasonable pity.

Pity is an emotional response to someone else’s suffering, with which the sufferer cannot cope (due to lack of experience or strength).
The key to pity state is the real or perceived helplessness of the other.


Pity as an experience is a short-term phenomenon associated with specific situations, enabling those who are sorry to lean on others to restore their own resources.

The action of pity is always the transfer of one’s strength (emotional or physical) to other people, and there are situations in which it is not only possible, but necessary, and this state cannot be long.

In the positive view of this feeling is the possibility of self-giving, the ability to be a temporary support for the desperately needy.
In the negative – restriction or inhibition of development of the others (because everything is done for them), and their own (resources do not go to their own lives).

If a person does not have values and is accustomed living by the power of his force, then his ruthlessness can be terrible, and reasonable pity makes him a person after all.

If a person lives by reason and has high values, he does what he should, including cares for those who need care and protects those who need protection.

Sometimes it can be heroism, but this behavior is motivated not by pity and in principle not by feelings, but by a conscious choice of the path of good, by choice to be a human.

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