If you want to find the love of your life, start being aware of your use of the word love. Saying and thinking I want to find the love of my life and not I want a relationship is fundamental. You find what you are looking for.
“Being in a relationship” – is a marketing term invented in magazines. Everyone that is not single is in a relationship.
To address a large group of people it is perfect, but it is to vague to define your personal situation.
Among all the misconceptions about love, the most effective and common is the idea that “fall in love” also loves or at least one of its manifestations.
This error is effective because being in love is subjectively experienced as brightly as love. When a person is in love, his feeling, of course, is expressed by the words “I love him”.
However, immediately there are two problems:
– First: falling in love is a specific, sexually oriented, erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children, although we can very much love them.
We do not fall in love with friends of the same sex ( unless we are homosexually oriented), although we can faithfully take care of them.
We fall in love only when it is sexually motivated – it does not matter whether it is realized or not.
– Secondly: the experience of being in love is always short-lived. When we fall in love, sooner or later this state passes even if the relationship continues.
I do not want to say that a person inevitably stops loving the other.
But the ecstatic, stormy feeling, actually falling in love, always passes.
The honeymoon is always fleeting. Flowers of romance inevitably fade.
In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems.
Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle.
And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.
The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.
Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t combine into one another very well.
Of course, being in love does not guarantee that a relationship will work. Relationships require also compatibility and relationship skills on the part of both parties. But the” in love” requirement is a must.
Relationships are not easy for they bring us to the deepest parts of ourselves; good, bad and ugly. Therefore, being in love must be an aspect of any healthy long-term commitment and being sure that it is love, therefore, it is an intensely important first step.
It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for him, or who has such a dysfunctional life himself that is a threaten to bring us down with him.
It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.
It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who is a threat to us and our happiness.
That may sound paradoxical, but it’s true; love doesn’t conquer all.
The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more valid than the one before, but unless there’s a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.
It is often years later when Mr. or Mrs. Right turns out to absolutely be Mr. or Mrs. Wrong.
So we come to see that we are in love with the fantasy lover, not the real person we married. One way to avoid this when we fall in love is to make realistic comparisons between that fantasy person and the person we are actually with.
Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help take care of another person and their needs as well.
Love can be very confusing sometimes because of the inner confusion. There are a lot of other emotions hiding behind this word. Such as; control, jealousy, insecurity etc.
– Love and the need for power or control: Many times persons who are insecure become attracted to someone whom they feel that they need.
The need is so overpowering that it brings on intense feelings of longing though not generally the bliss that comes with falling in love.
These feelings will then be expressed in terms of control and attempt to get the other to behave in ways that meet the needs of the one who wishes to control. There will be intense feelings of jealousy or even rage that accompany this need for power or control.
A person may also have spent much energy on wooing the other, that they look like they are in love. Yet their internal experience will tell the truth that all of their intense feelings are about owning someone else, not about being with and enjoying the company of the other.
– Love and jealousy: Many have somehow come to believe that when you are in love you will be jealous. In fact, this belief is so powerful that some believe it in reverse: that if you are not jealous it must not be love.
But jealousy comes from personal insecurity. It has nothing, whatsoever, to do with whether or not you are in love.
As have been said above, many who are attracted due to their need to control others are often quite jealous but they are not in love.
It is very easy to fall in love with someone.
The difficulty is to stay in love. But if it is difficult to stay in love, that means, that it is not the love of your life. It is just a love experience.
Love is always beautiful, if it is not beautiful, that is not love. Time to move on. Sometimes, love just fades away. It is better to move on when you don’t feel anything, then when you feel the opposite of love.
– Love and taking care of: Many are attracted to people whom they can take care of because taking care of others makes them feel important, needed, even like they have a mission in life.
They may have intense feelings of need attached to a desire to rescue, but this is not being in love.
Rather it has to do with deep issues of self-worth that have evolved into an identity as a rescuer, or perpetual mother.
– Love and the need for security: It actually takes a fairly secure person to fall in love, because the feelings are so intense that they can be overwhelming to an insecure person.
But when one is in love, his intense feelings have to do with a really heightened sense of just enjoying someone else’s company, accompanied by increased sexual tension.
When one is confusing the need for security with being in love, the intense feelings are of need, desperation, fear of being alone and fear not to be worth if one is not in a relationship.
The sexual tension in this sense then would be about being able to be sure that the other person really cares about, rather than a genuine desire to touch and be touched by the loved one.
– Love and camouflage : Many people are attracted to those people who are popular, attractive or powerful because they think that being with that person enhances how they are viewed by others.
They confuse this attraction with love because they are not aware of how confused they generally are about how one attains to self-esteem.
They think that something outside of them can give them self-esteem.
But being in love is not about getting someone else to fix our empty places.
Rather it is about an intense desire to deeply know and be deeply present with another person.
– Love and fantasy: This is a tough one because we have a capacity to project our fantasy lovers onto the faces and bodies of a potential partner.
Love is a wonderful experience. Its one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.
But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because at the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.
Love is an unselfish and joyful concern. This is an interested, caring and attentive attitude towards a person, things or any cases and events.
If an adult loves, an intelligent and responsible person, other requirements are added to love: love should not be blind, but sighted and intelligent, not only by feeling but also by responsible behavior. Love without respect is short-lived and impermanent, respect without love is cold and feeble.
If, of course, we are talking about love, not just about falling in love.
If we take a closer look at love, we will see a lot more in it. In love, as in respect, are several lines. Love is not just feelings and behavior, it’s a certain way of life with its values, world perception, a focus of attention and even breathing and intonation.
The first is a hierarchy of values. The higher is the beloved in the hierarchy of values, the more one can talk about love. If a man loves a woman, but football is still dearer to him, the price of his love is not high.
The second is a vision of the world in love. Everyone who loved, remembers how the world is changing in this state. In love-joyful care, the world is bright and spacious. In this celebration of life, surrounding people, things become for you alive, beautiful and meaningful: loved ones.
On the other hand, everyone remembers: in love-suffering, the world is gray, dull, small and oppressive
One of the simple checks about love is the question: “Where is your heart?”
It’s a question of the focus of attention in love. In love you caring for your beloved, you think, focus on him, not yourself. You love when you see your loved one as if in a ray of light, in the ray of your warmth.
And you take care that your heat constantly warms the loved one, making sure that this ray of heat constantly over this person, his present.
You can say that in true love I do not exist, there is only a beloved.
The more a person grows up, the more they understand that love is not so much a feeling as behavior. You can say as much as you like, but what matters most about your love is your actions. The behavior of love is caring, where the beloved is self-worth and attentiveness to the little things.
If you get into the soul deeper, the most faithful feature of love is finding a person in the position of love, in the position of WE.
This is a special state of mind when a loved one ceases to be separate from you when he becomes a part of your life when in any matter you think about him and his interests.
The position of love is not about ourselves, but about us. We take care of both of us together.